DEAR DIARY: CHANGES

I write because I need someone out there, reading. I’m not the only one that is lost in this life, but I may be the only one going public. 

I am not alone, we are four. Please, don’t try to discover who we are because, then, you could discover who I am. 

We will refer to ourselves using a common name, because –again- we don’t want to be identified. 

My name is MIA. I’m a regular teenager, with a regular diary…and a story to tell. 

Are you ready?

Dear Diary,

Sometimes I wonder if dreaming is good or bad. After a lot of thinking, I came to a conclusion: what if we dream so much that we end up believing those dreams, confusing illusion and reality? 

It’s frustrating to realize that these are just repressed desires, constantly fighting to emerge out of our subconscious. More frustrating is doing nothing to change things. But, are we guilty for not having the life we desire?

Yes, believe me. I’m not talking about poverty or lack of resources. This is the work of fate and some luck, I think. 

I’m talking about basic things, like our welfare. I’m talking about feelings, and if you think this is corny, then wait for the end of this publication. 

I will talk about me. As in any case, if you give examples, you must begin with yourself. 

What I wanted throughout my life has changed. Sometimes it was clear, sometimes it wasn’t. 

But deeply inside, thinking it over, I always arrive to the same place. That’s the point. What I want or wanted are pure fantasies. I invent stories. Love stories with happy endings that are not similar to my reality. 

I always knew something was wrong. 

I started blaming everyone. It’s clear now that I’ve been mistaken for a long time. Because, why would people expect me not to have what I wanted? 

It was always me. I am my own obstacle and, on time or not, I realized it. I’m the reason why things don’t turn out as I hoped. I’m taking the wrong roads, with the wrong people, at the wrong time. I’m my own stone in my shoe. 

Instead of stopping to get it out, I’ve been ignoring it. The difference between knowing what you want and ignoring it; and knowing what you want and doing something about it, is a blister on your foot. 

But I’m not here to talk about podiatry, maybe some other time. 

This is the key moment. I’m walking on the edge. I know what I have to do, my head is spinning. Part of it wants to continue dreaming; the other one wants to end this eternal nightmare. 

What I didn’t know is that you can’t live out of fantasies and, whether you like it or not, that has to stop. 

Time to change. It’s time to close stages in my life. Minutes run fast and I haven’t got seconds to loose. 

I wish a long and happy life to who could have been a great love. I loved you with every part of my body and I remember you that way. 

But life goes on…

See you soon, dear diary.

MIA.-